Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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