Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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