How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
