Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
