dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
birth control should be required to get into college
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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