oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
