I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
