The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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