I just pynch a tree in the face
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
