I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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