I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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