when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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