I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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