Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize