I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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