Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
