he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
