Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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