Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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