Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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