My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well I just put wine in my tea
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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