I like my sex mixed with concussions.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
