Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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