Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
