btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
