textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
