Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
