For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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