So drunk, too bad you don't want this
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
