please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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