My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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