I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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