either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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