i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The best revenge is premature balding
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
