he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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