All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
