My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
