All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drake has all the answers
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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