i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
