i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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