Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
