she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
