The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
