You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
