I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
