Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
