is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
