i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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