I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He kissed a someone with a penis
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
