He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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