Kareoke will never be a sober sport
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
