Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All the doctor said was why
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
