she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Two words: blizzard sex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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