1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
