We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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