I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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