I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
