I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
